Kam’s 2024

Hi friend,

I saw this post earlier that said 2024 felt like being awake for surgery. I felt that. This year allowed me to learn how to deal with anxiety and ptsd. So yeah 2024 felt like surgery, but I also felt the healing that took place as a result.

I learned strategies for letting go. Letting adults be adults is hard. Learning how to stop managing people is hard. Learning to allow people to be who they are AND having a boundary that says “yeah, but not over here”. There were times I loved people so much I couldn’t understand that they could intentionally hurt me, so I stick around. There were times I couldn’t understand why someone would hurt themselves the ways they didd so I tried to be everything to them so they could see their worth. But, I was killing myself in the process.

My therapist said this was my version of self harm.

I recently truly realized that all we really have at any point in time is that present moment. We can’t live in the past and expect to feel free we can’t live in the future and expect to feel light. All we have is right now. All we have is ourselves. We can’t give ourselves over to others and their wishes. We are our own. Our feelings are real and valid but what we choose to do with these feelings is what makes all the difference.

I struggled with this my whole life. I just learned a strategy to help me overcome my “endless rumination”. I learned this in therapy last week.

Imagine you are on a river bank watching the river roll by in the fall. This is your happy place. You watch the leaves and fish swim by. Imagine the leaves are your thoughts. You could let the leaf float on by or you can pick it up and inspect it.

So, when I’m at work and thoughts of trauma or broken relationships come up, I realize it’s not the time I want to deal with it; I imagine myself placing the leaf back into the river and watching it float on by. Knowing that if the leaf passes by again, I can choose to inspect it - sit with it, write about it, dance about it- or I could let it pass.

This works for me right now, because stuffing these thoughts down wasn’t getting me anywhere. But, being constantly triggered is really fucking annoying.

I guess I’m still in the process of healing. But the process means I’m growing not just getting older.

If you’re like me and struggle with anxiety & ptsd; try these strategies - and remember later will take care of itself. It always does.

Love,

Kamilah